Car adverts have always been a little weird… but that was mainly because they depicted a fantasy world in which very very shiny things drive around on very very windy roads (where fortuitously there are no other shiny things around, except maybe the Sun, to detract from the big shiny phallus that you’re supposed to buy).

However, apparently we’re all so unreasonably intelligent and cool these days that merely being told to buy a car doesn’t work anymore. What really makes us get our wallets out is an advert that reassures us (despite the contradiction) about how advertising-savvy we are.

Par example, this Renault advert depicts you, the (male) consumer, being cynical about the claims of advertisers and sales-people (note that little shake of the head around 0.15). Nevertheless you buy the car anyway because you’re so edgy that, despite the recession, you go around in a Renault with your top button undone. Apparently the simplicity of the reason for buying the Renault (‘because I like it’) is supposed to be more valid than any claim to the practical utility of a product (i.e. ‘because it would improve my game’), because we all know, wink wink, that those claims are all bullshit.

Funnily enough, the actor is shown returning the watch that he had bought ‘because it looked good on the model in the advert’ with the implication that he’s now aware of how stupid that was… and yet the final message of this advert is to buy the Renault because it supposedly looks good on this guy. So our acknowledgement that there’s no good reason to buy a Renault becomes, rather, the most compelling reason to buy a Renault.

That’s a theme taken up by this Volvo advert. Now clearly Volvo are aiming at a slightly different brand image here. We’re not buying a car just ‘because its bigger than his next door’, we want something which is functional and reliable, allowing us to focus on the more important things in life. And so the advert strokes our smug sense of being aloof from rabid consumerism, then turns it into the reason for descending back down into it and forking out for a Volvo.

“There’s more to life than a Volvo. That’s why you drive one.”

Ostensibly because it was the Volvo car that had the advert that best downplayed the importance of cars such that we identified with it and thought ‘Volvo understands me‘ (a scary thought indeed). Note how the words ‘Volvo, for life’ in the corner combines the pre-established sentiment, that Volvo cars are just a means to a more worthwhile end, with a declaration of lifelong brand loyalty.

But, as amusing as these two ads are, this next one from BMW wins hands down. The tactic here is to just flatly state the dark truth of public relations, safe in the knowledge that the post-ironic, consumerist public will somehow find a way to twist it into a reason to buy their product.

“We realised a long time ago that what you make people feel is just as important as what you make. And at BMW, we don’t just make cars… we make joy.”

Yep. We’re just going to admit that cars from different brands are basically the same, and really we’re focusing our time and money on the adverts. Because they’re just that effective at brainwashing you. So when you rush out to buy your new BMW (as we know you will), just think of all that extra money you’re spending for no other reason than so we can afford to pay Patrick Stewart to tell you how darn happy BMWs make you.

“That’s what you like right? I mean, that’s what you go for… Being told cynical truths in a really childlike and naive way? Makes you feel mature whilst keeping you suggestible, right? That’s what market research told us. Oh it is? Oh, thank goodness! You had us worried for a minute there! What’s that? Why yes, we do sell them in black…”

Hello readers,

Would you like a way to easily determine your self-worth based on an over-generalised questionnaire with only two possible outcomes? Would you also like some not so subtle pro-intellectual property propaganda in the mix? Well look no further, our ever publicly minded government has disemminated helpful pseudo postmodern ads and even a flashy website.

As an aside, if I was involved in E4‘s creative team – I’d be pissed. But hey, maybe they used the same agency.